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The Greatest American Heroine vs. Tighten
The Greatest American Heroine vs. Tighten is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features the Greatest American Heroine from the ABC television series, the Greatest American Hero, and Tighten from Dreamworks’ Megamind movie. Description ABC vs. Dreamworks! Two supers who got their powers second hand square off to prove who’s the most powerful! Interlude Boomstick: Superpowers. Some are born to them, some achieve them through being dropped into a vat of toxic waste or something, and some have somebody else's powers just handed to them. Wiz: In this Death Battle! we bring together two people who were everyday, average people until they had superpowers given to them. Boomstick: The first is Holly Hathaway, an elementary school teacher, until she was given a super-suit, and became the Greatest American Heroine. Wiz: And the second on is Hal Stewart, a television news cameraman until he was injected with super DNA, and became Tighten. Boomstick: I’m Boomstick, and this here’s Wiz. Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Greatest American Heroine Boomstick: In 1981, some little green aliens from Mars decided that the U.S. needed someone to look up to. So, they selected a humble substitute teacher named Ralph Hinkley, and gave him a supersuit. Wiz: This suit gave Ralph a whole suite of superpowers, ranging from super-strength and flight to invisibility and psychometry. Boomstick: Unfortunately, it turned out that Ralph was a bit of a douchebag, and when people found out that he was, “the Greatest American Hero,” he let it all go to his head. Before you knew what happened, he was giving interviews, and acting like a grade-a sphincter. Wiz: The aliens wanted the good deeds to be what the public focused on, and not that man, so they let him know that he was no longer worthy of the suit. Boomstick: Not only did they fire his ass, but they gave him a slap by making him find his own replacement. Wiz: So, Ralph looked around, and found a suitable replacement – Holly Hathaway. She was an elementary school teacher who was concerned about a whole host of social issues, so Ralph gave her the suit. Boomstick: Now, Ralph had a friendly FBI agent, who steered him towards important looking cases, a man by the name of Bill Maxwell. And the aliens used their magic to see to it that everyone in the world forgot about the original Greatest American Hero, and would focus on the Greatest American Heroine, and her good deeds. Wiz: Now, Holly is one of those superheroes where none of her powers come from her, they only come from her suit. That means that she has the exact same powers as did Ralph Hinkley. Boomstick: Among the powers he was give was super-strength. He could easily lift cars, and he even once lifted a space shuttle, which weighs in at about 165,000 pounds. Wiz: He outran cars on the street, and when flying he caught up to an airplane that was flying at Mach 6. This means that he was probably flying at least 5,000 miles per hour. Boomstick. Now, you might think that that having his face out in the open would be a glaring weakness, but you'd be wrong. He survived being shot in the head, and even blown up with bombs and hand grenades. Wiz: He was able to become invisible at will, use telekinesis to stop a car in its tracks, survive without air, and walk through a burning building. Boomstick: But, all of those powers have their limits. Ralph was not as strong as the Hulk, nor as fast as the Flash, nor as invulnerable as Superman, nor did he have the mental ability of the Martian Manhunter. Wiz: But, what Holly Hathaway has going for her is that a strong suite of superpowers that should allow her to go head-to-head with the best. Tighten Boomstick: In 2010, a little blue alien, named Megamind, decided that he needed someone to fight, someone he could look up to. So, he decided to make a superhero. He was going to look for the right man, but instead he accidentally gave the superpowers to a man named Hal Stewart. Wiz: Hal Stewart was a television cameraman assigned to work with Metro City reporter Roxanne Ritchi. Boomstick: Unfortunately, he was also a dweeb, a dork, a goofball, and a moron. Wiz: And when the super-villain Megamind accidentally infused Hal with the DNA of recently-deceased superhero Metro Man, Hal was given power beyond his imagination. Boomstick: Sadly for Megamind, not only was Hal Stewart deficient in looks, intelligence and social graces, he was also deficient in integrity, values and compassion. And when Megamind renamed him “Titan,” Hal was so lacking in intelligence that he thought his new name was “Tighten.” Yeah, he was a real winner, all right. Wiz: Thinking that he had created a superhero worthy to defeat him, Megamind provoked a fight with Tighten, only to discover that he had not created a new Metro Man, but that he had instead created a super-powered homicidal maniac who would destroy anyone and anything that stood in his way. Boomstick: Yeah, in his drive to get revenge on Megamind, and consequently Roxanne Ritchi, Tighten began to dismantle the city, knocking down buildings, and cutting his goofy name into whole city blocks. Wiz: Megamind tried going toe-to-toe with Tighten, using various mechanical enhancements, but he quickly found out that nothing in his arsenal could so much as put a dent in the super-villain. Boomstick: OK, so just what are Tighten’s powers? Well, his powers are an exact duplicate of Metro Man’s, but who was Metro Man and what were his powers? Wiz: Metro Man was born on a planet in the Glaupunk Quadrant. When he was a baby, his parents realized that their planet was about to be destroyed, so they loaded the baby into a space ship and fired him off to Earth. He was adopted by a rich but childless couple, and given everything he could ever need. And, as he grew, he began to demonstrate many powers, including super-strength, ice breath, laser vision, the ability to fly, invulnerability, and... Boomstick: Wait a minute! You’re retelling the origin story of Superman! Wiz: That’s right, Metro Man was a shameless copy of Superman, with the exception of his wearing an all-white super-suit, with a big “M” on the chest. Boomstick: I guess a few coins slid inter-corporately between Dreamworks and DC on that one! Wiz: So, Metro Man was a copy of Superman, which means that Tighten is basically a Superman gone wrong. And THAT means that he is a being of almost limitless strength and power. Boomstick: That’s right, Tighten is a dweeb, a dork, a goofball and a moron, but he’s a dweeb, a dork, a goofball and a moron with power to spare! Intermission Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, but are we? Boomstick: Hell no! I’m not ready until I grab me some Hiney! Wiz: Hiney Wine, is the only fine wine to come in an aluminum can. But now the brothers Big Red and Thor Hiney have now brought you even more choice in what kind of a Hiney you want. Boomstick: As for me, I like my wine dry. I won’t drink it any other way. Wiz: Now, you can have a dry Hiney anywhere and everywhere that you go. Boomstick: That’s right, dry wine from the vineyards of Hiney Wines in Herculaneum, Missouri. Forget French wines. Forget California wines. Forget Australian wine. Drink the best of the best, Hiney Wine! Wiz: And remember to always drink responsibly. Boomstick: Yeah, drink from a nice, recyclable aluminum can! Wiz: OK, we have two combatants ready to duke it out, and we have our Hineys! Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE! Pre-Fight FBI Agent Bill Maxwell lifted the radio to his lips, and pressed the momentary button. “Kid, you’ve had some really bad ideas in your life, but this is the worst,” he spat. The radio crackled, and Holly Hathaway’s cheerful voice chirped to him, “Don’t worry, Bill, I can handle this Bozo, no problem!” Bill set the radio down, and lifted the binoculars to his eyes. He was looking through a window in a wall that was only halfway there. He was in a ten-story building that the bad guy had already worked over. Half the building was there, and half was gone! It looked like somebody had taken a knife, and simply sliced away half of the structure. He looked to his left, and ten feet away, the floor literally disappeared and he was looking out into space. He ran the back of his hand over his forehead, and wiped the sweat away. Then, he picked the radio back up. “Holly, I don’t think you can take this guy. He’s already torn the city to pieces. The Bureau tells me that they are organizing a military strike against him. I say let’s leave it to the boys in green. What do you say?” Holly’s voice came back over the radio, sounding sterner than before. “Bill, this guy’s got a suit like mine. Maybe the aliens gave him a suit as well, and he let it go to his head. If that’s the case, then he’s got nothing that I don’t have.” Bill licked his lips, and looked out through the missing half of the room. Beyond, he could see the devastated city. Metro City looked like it had been through a nuclear war...and lost. “I don’t think so, Kid,” he said into the radio. “I don’t think that the green guys had anything to do with this. His powers seem really different than yours.” “Well,” Holly answered him, “I guess that this is why they gave me the suit that they did. I’m here to help people, and the people around here need all the help that they can get.” “Just be careful, Kid. And, if you run into trouble, just hurry out of there, and we’ll figure something else out,” he said into the radio. “Oh, Bill,” Holly chirped back at him. “You are such a mother hen!” * * * Standing on the street, Tighten used his laser vision to fry a string of Megamind posters. That blue-skinned dweeb had ruined his life, and he was going to wipe away any trace that he had ever even lived. Suddenly, there was a small crash behind him. Tighten spun around, and looked for whatever was threatening him. He was surprised when a woman in a red superhero-suit stood up from behind a bus stop. She looked embarrassed, as she smoothed out the wrinkles in her suit. Tighten could not believe his eyes. She was drop dead gorgeous, putting Roxanne Ritchi to shame. And, she was a super-hero like him. Tighten raised himself off the ground, and floated over to the woman, his eyes sparkling. “Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.” Holly couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the ancient pick up line. Tighten gave her a cheesy smile, and leaned close to her. Holly had to fight the urge to take a step backward. She had always heard of someone having a “mop of hair,” but this weirdo really had one. The curly red locks sat on top of his head like it look like a nightmare mushroom. “Let me introduce myself, I am Tighten, the new boss of this town,” he announced proudly. “Anything I like, I take, and baby I like what I see right now.” Suddenly, he reared back with his eyes wide. “Oh! Oh! I need to show you the town.” Them, he looked somewhat abashed as he added, “OK, it’s a little worn around the edges right now, but I’ve got such plans.” He pointed to his left, “Over there, I’m going to make my castle. It’s going to be called Tightenberg.” Then, he pointed to his right, “And over there’s going to be the new sports stadium. I’ve decided that all of the teams are going to be called the Tightens.” The more he talked, the more excited he got, and the faster he talked. “We’ll call the Little League team the Teen Tightens. What do you think?” He looked earnestly into her eyes. Suddenly, Bill Maxwell voice chirped in over the radio. “That’s it, Holly, keep him talking. The boys in green will be here any minute.” Holly squared her shoulders, and glared into Tighten’s eyes. “What do I think? You’ve created a disaster here. Just look at what you’ve done!” she shouted, pointing around at the wrecked buildings. Tighten gave her what he meant to be a disarming smile, and said, “Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it, you’re a superhero. So am I...sort of. Well, I’ll be one now, the best superhero Metro City has ever seen.” He continued, “Just picture it, you and me, flying across the Metro City skyline, finding bad guys and pounding them into jelly. We’ll be on the cover of every magazine, the newest power couple in the U.S. You with your stellar looks, and me with my super-buff bod.” Tighten went into a series of poses, flexing his heavily muscled chest and arms. Holly couldn’t believe her eyes. “What are you doing?!” she cried. “Are you completely stupid? I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last man on Earth! Heck, if there was a dog left, I would go out with the dog first!” Tighten froze in mid flex. His head turned toward Holly, and his eyes narrowed angrily. “Watch what you say, Babe,” he snarled. “There are LOTS of women who are dying to go out with me.” Bill’s panicked voice chimed in over her earpiece. “What are you doing, Kid? Don’t piss the guy off, just keep him quiet and distracted. Quiet and distracted.” Holly ignored Agent Maxwell, and snarled back at Tighten, “Yeah, dying to go out with you, as in only a dead woman would be willing to go out with you.” Tighten straightened up, and took a step towards Holly. She was shocked to see red lights appear in his eyes. There were literally smoldering! “Listen, you. You might be my equal in the looks department, but NO ONE is my equal in power!” Holly laughed in Tighten’s face. “Equal to you? Have you looked in the mirror lately? An equal to your looks would probably be a cocker spaniel. A really UGLY cocker spaniel.” FIGHT! ' Tighten roared in anger, and swung a mighty punch at Holly. Holly ducked under the punch, like her self-defense instructor had taught her, and then wound up, and punched him in the face. Tighten’s head snapped off to the side, but then, he turned it back to look at her. ''“Is that all you’ve got?” he sneered. “You are in so much trouble.” “Not really,” she answered him sweetly. Then, she put her hands on his shoulders, and kicked him as hard as she could between the legs. Tighten’s eyes crossed, and then he collapsed onto his knees, with a little whimper. Bill Maxwell’s spoke loudly into her ear again, “That’s great, Kid, now get out of there!” “Shut up, Bill!” Holly barked back. Suddenly, Tighten lunged forward, and grabbed Holly’s ankles. He pulled her off her feet, and then stood up. He began swinging her round and round. Then, he let go. Holly flew through the air, with her scream Dopplering along her path. She smashed into the doors of the Metro City Public Library, which exploded under the impact. Holly skidded across the library floor, through shelves of books. She finally came to rest in a pile of books in the Reference Section. Her earpiece crackled to life, “Holly, speak to me. Are you OK?” Holly snarled in anger, and stood up. “Shut up, Bill!” she yelled. “I told you, I can handle this. Another word, and I shut this radio off. Got me?” * * * Back in his eyrie, Agent Maxwell groaned in frustration, and lifted his binoculars back to his eyes. “Kid,” he said to himself. “This is SUCH a bad idea!” * * * Holly ran out of the library, onto its portico, and launched herself clumsily into the air. She flew toward Tighten, and then swerved at the last minute. She collided with a Civil War memorial column, which shuddered under the impact, and then fell over, right onto Tighten. Holly flew in a wide circle, looking at the debris, when suddenly Tighten stood up, sending pieces of sandstone flying. He glared at Holly, and suddenly laser beams shot out of his eye, and bathed Holly in red light. She screamed, and flew into a vertical parking garage, out of Tighten’s line of sight. Holly looked down at her glowing body, and quickly rubbed her hands over herself, dissipating the heat. Tighten stood on the ground below, looking up at the garage, when suddenly, Holly flew out, pushing a BMW before her. The car plummeted down, and crashed onto Tighten. Tighten angrily seized the car, spun around and threw it back at Holly. As the car flew, Holly took a flying leap off the garage and into the air. Suddenly, her earpiece crackled, “Holly, go invisible. He can’t hit what he can’t see!” Tighten lifted a stone, to throw at Holly, when she suddenly disappeared from his sight. He stood rooted to the spot with his mouth agape. He looked left and then right, then he felt a fist connect with his jaw. He staggered to the side, and spun a roundhouse punch through the air. It connected with nothing. The invisible fist punched him on the other side, sending him staggering again. But, again his counter-punch found nothing. He was punched again, and staggered to the side again. He snarled, and began looking around. Suddenly, lasers shot out of his eyes, cutting a path of destruction through the surrounding buildings. Off to the side, and half-destroyed building began to collapse. * * * Bill Maxwell couldn’t believe it when the building he was in began to collapse. He ran to the missing side, and watched the ground race up towards him. Well, he reflected, he wasn’t called “Do or Die” Maxwell for nothing. At what he judged to be the last minute, he leaped out into space. * * * Tighten’s laser vision lanced through the sky, when suddenly, a ball of nothingness began to glow red. “Got you!” he declared, and then leaped into the air. Keeping Holly burning hot, Tighten flew after her, quickly overtaking her in the air. He seized her in his arms, and flew straight up. “Come on, Sis,” he yelled. “Let’s go for a ride!” He steered them both up and up, then he turned, and flew straight down towards the roof of a skyscraper. Holly screamed just before then made impact with the building. Their movement through the building could be seen as each floor seemed to explode and then collapse. The entire building crashed down into a massive pile of debris on the ground. 'K.O.! ' Bill Maxwell stood up, blood running from a gash in his forehead. He looked towards the collapsed skyscraper, and called out, “Holly? Kid? Where are you?” Suddenly, the debris shuddered, and Tighten stood up, shoving a giant piece of concrete off of himself. Then, he brushed himself off, and flew up into the sky. Bill’s face collapsed with sorrow. “Oh, Kid,” he whispered. Results '''Boomstick: Singing ♪ I came in like a wrecking ball. I never hit so hard in love. All I wanted was to break your walls. All you ever did was break me. Yeah, you wreck me. ♪ Wiz: Yeah that’s kind of that, poor Holly. Boomstick: Holly Hathaway may have been the Greatest American Heroine, but when it came down to a brawl with Tighten, she never really had a chance. Wiz: While she had a suite of very useful suite of superpowers, when it came down to super-on-super battle, each and every one of her skills were just inferior to those of Tighten. Boomstick: While Ralph Hinkley could lift the Space Shuttle, he could not fully carry the weight, but could only steer it. Tighten, on the other hand, easily lifted a skyscraper, and heaved it miles down the road. Wiz: And while Holly could fly, she never really mastered the art of flying, whereas Tighten flew effortlessly. Boomstick: And, while Ralph survived countless explosions, neither he nor Holly ever demonstrated the kind of indestructibility that Tighten did. Wiz: Now, Holly did have one ace up her sleeve, and that was the ability to turn invisible. Now, while that was useful, it was just not enough of an advantage to cancel out all of Tighten’s advantages. Boomstick: In the end, Holly suffered a crushing defeat. Wiz: The winner is Tighten. Trivia Poll How many stars would you rate The Greatest American Heroine vs. Tighten? 5 stars 4 stars 3 stars 2 stars 1 star Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:I'm Lynda Category:'Battle of the Genders' themed Death Battles Category:'Hero vs. Villain' themed Death Battles Category:Human vs Human themed DEATH BATTLEs Category:'Movies vs TV Shows' themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2019